


An Attraction

by buffy_cow



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: F/F, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:02:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27863498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buffy_cow/pseuds/buffy_cow
Summary: *Trigger Warning**Self-hate & Suggestions of self-harm*Faith is beginning to have an unusual attraction for Buffy Summer, who is who closest (really only) friend. She does not want to face the truth of this but it is becoming far too complicated for faith the longer she keeps this from Buffy.
Relationships: Faith Lehane/Buffy Summers
Comments: 5
Kudos: 13





	1. Stay

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone,  
> I have not written fanfic for a few years so bear with me. This is also my first work on a03. Buffy is my favorite show and this whole fanfic is just a headcanon of what I think could have happened if Faith and Buffy were cannon. So yeah, I hope you enjoy it! :) I am also going to put this on other fanifc sites.   
> From,   
> Buffy_Cow (Steph)   
> *TRIGGER WARNING*  
> *SELF-HATE & SUGGESTIONS OF SELF-HARM*

"Uh Buffy"

Buffy turns around like she knows what I am going to say but I do not even know what I am going to say.

"Y-yeah" 

It doesn't feel right, Buffy leaving. I need to say something but what if I say something wrong what if I say something the will make her run away.

"Nothing"

Buffy turns to the door, she expected me to say something, something that would have made her stay. I didn't say anything but maybe it was for the best outcome. Maybe if she would have stayed she would never come back. She was officially out the door, I lost her but not permanently. I hear her footsteps even when she closed the door behind her. The sound of the footsteps made a stop,  _ maybe I didn't lose her, maybe she is on her way back to me, maybe she will stay.  _ The footsteps start up again, they get harder and harder to hear the more she walks away. The footsteps fade away and now they are gone, my hopes were given up. Why do I even have hopes, I shouldn't have hopes for people anymore, all of my hope should be gone but, weirdly I still have my hopes... hopes for Buffy. I want to trust her, I want to trust her with everything, but there is a part of me that will always fight that trust and puts doubt in my trust. However, my doubt is casting reasonable thoughts,

_ Why would she lie to you? _

_ She could kill you if she wanted to _

_ Why does she care? _

_ She is using you _

_ She does not like you _

All of those thoughts... my doubts, are leading me to be _weak._ I can't be weak, I could _kill._ Kill? My thoughts went there, but they are not wrong, I could. My thoughts are myself, I am my thoughts, so why does it feel like my own thoughts are controlling me. 

The eerie silence was started filling up the room, the tv was broken because of how crappy this motel is. I need to get out I need to go somewhere that is not here. I am alone with my thoughts here,  _ I am here with myself,  _ I am dangerous. My face is all beat up from the fight I just got in I am going to need to put on some makeup over my bruises. The thought of seeing Buffy when I go out terrifies me. I might say something to her, which is scary because I do not even know what I am going to say. It is funny, I can be alone with my thoughts but I still can not sum out what I want to say to Buffy. It feels like it is on the tip of my tongue but I just can not put the words together. I don't even know what these thoughts mean, do I have feelings of hate? It is possible that the next time I see her my thoughts will finally comprehend and I will spit out my thoughts like vomit. I leave my room and step outside making my way to the Bronze. 

I make it to the Bronze with my thoughts still attacking me. My thoughts still trying to sum up my mixed feelings towards Buffy. The loud music and the sight of people dancing fogs up my head a bit... finally my unusual thoughts stop. I look around to make sure Buffy or her friends are not here,  _ all clear.  _ Before I can even take 10 steps in the Bronze I see a very obvious vampire. She looked like she just jumped out of another decade, everything about her was dated. She was dancing with... nobody. I start to walk up to her, I am using myself as bait. She looked at me and I signaled to go to the alley, she followed me, what a dummy. As I made it to the alley I quickly hide behind the door waiting for her to take the bait. I could feel the kill from a mile away, I hear footsteps behind me. She must be trying to attack me from behind. I turn around quickly and drop the vampire to the ground, I am on top of the vampire with a stake in my hand I start to push it down on to her. I opened my eyes to see her, but I see Buffy instead. I stop pushing the stake through, I only broke through my skin. 

"Buffy, I could have killed you need to wear a bell or something"

She looks up at me and smiled. Yeah, I almost killed her but at least I told her a joke.

"Please, I could have survived that" 

"Yeah, sure"

After a brief moment of silence I raised up off of Buffy’s hip, I put my hand out as an offer to help Buffy up off the ground. She takes my hand and I yack her up.

“What are you doing ou-”

Before she could continue I cut her off by putting my hand up to signal a stop. I heard the vampire coming. I hid back behind the door and waited. I turned to my side and saw Buffy standing beside me with her arms crossed like I did something wrong. She took her left hand and put it on my right shoulder.

My thoughts were gathered about Buffy. 

“I take this one, you look tired. Also, you just tried to kill me.”

She took her hand off of my shoulder. The moment was over. I am speechless, I don’t want to spit out the wrong thing. Suddenly, I saw the demon walk out of the door… finally. I took out my wooden stake and started at the demon, Buffy followed after me. The demon saw us and started charging at us too, little does she know this is a death sentence. I got to her almost a second before Buffy, the vampire punched me in the face and I dropped right to the ground. My head landed on the ground, from that level I see Buffy fighting her off, she takes her stake out and with one little poke, the vampire is dead. The rivel turns to dust before hitting the ground. Buffy makes her way over to me and comes down to the dirt to help me up. I am weak, I could have taken that vampire if my thoughts were not flooding my head… if Buffy did not show up. She helps me up, but as soon as my legs become straight they give out. As I fall back to the ground I see Buffy grab me before I hit the floor again. How could I be this weak there is no way that this is just about my thoughts… that vampire had to do something to me. Buffy puts my arm around the back of her neck and puts her arm around my back attempting to help me.

“There is something wrong Faith, we are going see Giles” 

She says this as we start walking to the road.

“I will be fine B, just take me home. I just need rest”

Buffy sees Cordelia and waves her down, she walks over like it is a burden. Cordelia sees me and generally looks worried for a second but then she opens her mouth.

“Faith, did you get run over by a train? You look like shit”

“Ok, do you have your car?”

Buffy talks before Cordelia can say something else bitchy.

“Why do you need a ride, because I will help out.”

Cordelia starts to get her keys from her bag.

“It is just she looks like her if about to die”

“Thanks, Cordelia for the support” 

I look up at Cordelia is already giving me a pissed look. She starts to walk to her car and we follow. We get to her car and Buffy puts me in the back seat, she slides into the backseat right next to me. Buffy still has her hand around my waist as a bit of support while her hand gently rubbing my back. I feel my head start to get foggy with both thoughts and simple lightheadedness, I put my head on Buffy’s shoulder. I couldn’t go to bed because Cordelia’s driving sucks, she somehow hit every pothole. The thoughts start to roll into my head, this is what I didn’t want to happen tonight. I am appearing weak to her, I need to cut that bullshit out. I lift up my head off of her shoulder. I felt her body shift a bit towards me and just as soon as she went towards me she turned back. My feelings for Buffy came to a conclusion a few minutes ago before the fight, I want to be with her… at least I think. It feels like it or maybe I just want to be her, have her life. She has everything, so maybe I just want to be her. That doesn’t make sense because usually when I what to be someone I hate them so much because they have everything that I want. And this those feel like a crush, no, I do not want it to be a crush. I am not having a crush, it has to be something different. I can deny this for as long as I want to but I know that I know the truth… I have feelings for Buffy Summers. 

The car comes to a sudden halt which makes my body push forward, I slightly lose control of my weak body causing Buffy to help me sit back up straight. She is still holding on to my waist. We were at a complete stop I looked out the foggy window seeing Buffy’s home.

“Buffy, I want to go home. I need to rest in my own bed… alone.”

She lets go of my waist and puts her hand on her thigh. The gap that was filled between my back waist and the car seat was empty due to Buffy retracting her hand from the gap, letting my back close the gap I lay my back on the seat.

“I understand that but there is definitely something that is affecting your slayers’ strength, and we need to figure it out. You can’t be alone just in case something else happens.”

Buffy gets out of the car not even letting me reply, I get out after her and place my feet on the ground and start to apply pressure to my legs to raise my body. My legs give out before I can even fully lock them. Buffy was next to me while getting up and before my hands are able to catch myself on the pavement, the weight of my body is released as Buffy’s arm tugged around me. Her one arm goes around my waist while the other grubs my hand and put it around the back of her neck, and leads me to the front door of her home. Cordelia follows behind us after locking the car door, a speed of wind blows by Buffy and me, Cordelia was jumping in front of us so she could hold the door open for us.

“Thanks, Cordy” 

I and Buffy were through the threshold of the door.

“Yeah, I am going to head out. Bye buffy! Bye Faith, I really hope you don’t die”

And just like that, she is gone. 

Buffy helps me stumble to the couch while screaming to her mom that she is home. I fall on the couch when Buffy stops supporting my waist. 

“I am gonna go and call Giles, I will be right back”

Buffy dashes away off to the landline.

“Got it” 

I swear if the whole “Scooby gang” ends up coming over to do research on me tonight, I will scream at each and every one of them, that is the absolute last thing I need tonight. 

The deafening noise of the doorbell makes my head throb. I swear it better not be anyone other than maybe Giles. Buffy’s footsteps come stomping through the house to reach the door, she holds a stake in her left hand behind her as she opens the door with her right. She unstressed her grip on the stake, which means it is most likely not any sort of a demon. 

“Hey, Giles. I didn’t start to dial your number yet. What happened.

Giles burst his way through the door. He looks stressed, it must have to do with me. What if there is something really wrong with me, what I am supposed to do. Should I just let it happen… that would be the natural thing to do. If something does happen it will properly be for the best, I am not doing anything for anyone let alone myself.

“Buffy are you okay? Was Faith fighting with you?”

“Yeah I am fine but Faith well”

She points to me on the couch laying there like I… just got hit by a train. Giles speeds over to me and pulls out a cup of green liquid.

“Faith, you need to drink this”

The liquid has chunks in it and is moving side to side in the glass cup like it is alive and knows that I am being forced to drink it.

“I do want to drink that, it looks like it is going to eat me!”

Giles let out a huff of air

“Faith, what happened to you tonight was an anomaly, it only happens once in every other blue moon. And I just happened to forget it was happening tonight. Basically once a night, again one in every other blue moon every demon has an average that they hit the hardest on the first attack. I know it sounds like a silly average but the hit can have possibly deadly effects on the victim even after the hit. So I need you to drink this right now.”

A moment of breathing fills up the noise in the room. I take the drink and pour and down my throat trying to not let it touch my tongue.

“Thank you” 

“Bla! That was just bla. What was in that?”

Giles looked at me and pushed up his glasses back on his face. He clears his throat.

“If I tell you, you would throw it up and we can not have that.”

“Ok, good point. 

I start to stand up from the couch only to fall back down onto it. 

“I thought that was supposed to make me strong again”

“It will take a few days, this should turn into a common cold before you are back to your normal self.”

“Great, well Giles would you mind driving me home. I need to sleep”

I attempt to get up again and before I fall Buffy helps me back on the couch

“No, I don’t think that is a good idea. I suggest you stay here for a little bit. I know you would hate to hear this but you are defenseless right now”

“Giles, pleas-”

“Faith, no. No one is leaving you alone right now it is too dangerous.”

I throw my head back on the couch like a child throwing a fit. Giles looks at me for a second longer before going over to Buffy, mumbling something about tea and pillows. After he explains to Buffy his home remedies he gives me a wave goodbye and starts to turn the knob to grate the door open. Buffy watched Giles as he left, I looked over to her as she glanced over to me. 

“I am going to make you some tea” 

Buffy runs off to the kitten with a smile. Now I am alone but not permanently, thinking about the situation that I am in. It is pretty good, I do not have to do anything for the next couple of days. The only thing that I am mixed up about is Buffy I have to know potentially have to be at her house with her for upmost of a week. I just can not do it, I could say the wrong thing, I could spit out my feelings, I don’t know what to do. I am going to have to deal with it, I am too weak to walk home and everyone was given orders not to leave me alone. I am alone right now… Buffy is in the other room but my thoughts are filling up my head this quickly that must mean that I am alone. What am I supposed to do, on one side I can simply distance myself from Buffy and her friends which would almost be impossible because we work together at a job we both can not quit, that choice would also lead to the demise of our relationship, platonic or maybe even romantic. One the other side I have the option to stay close and get closer to Buffy but if I get closer I would have to deal with my attraction towards Buffy, and that would have two outcomes I would ruin my friendship by reveling my feeling or (the most unlikely but best outcome) my feeling are not one-sided and we have a non-platonic relationship. Even if that outcome becomes a reality it would still be negative, it is the 90’s we are getting there but it isn’t exactly in to be gay. The truth is whatever happens I am fucked, I am just going to have to choose the outcome that is the less fucked up for me. I could always try pushing done my feelings while also getting closer to Buffy, that would never work though something would go wrong, is that option the least fucked up. Buffy started to make her way over to me with two hot cups of tea in each hand, she sits the one down across from me on the coffee table indicating that that one was for me. The couches weight shifted a bit because of Buffy sitting almost directly next to me with her tea in her hand. 

“That’s a nice coffee table”

I pick up the tea from it, the table is glass and looks new.

“Thanks, this is our 5th this year, every time a demon comes in here they seem to break it. So hopefully you don’t like it that much”

I giggled a bit before responding. 

“Yeah, I think I broke it once.”

“I think you did”

We both laugh a bit before going to a brief moment of science.

“Um, how Angel doing? You know you ex vampire boyfriend that I just wasn’t told about up until yesterday.”

I should not have said that it was bitchy. We already went over this and she already apologized. Buffy looks to her side, she looks like she did something wrong. 

“Well, is okay. I broke it off with him officially.”

I need to apologize, I was being passive-aggressive. 

“I am sorry Buffy, that most have been really difficult.”

Buffy takes a deep breath and puts her head down for a minute before pulling her head back up to face me eye to eye. I back eye connect with her for a few seconds. I think that she is getting her feelings and thoughts together.

“Yeah, it was. He is still an ally though so we should still treat him as a resource.”

It seems like that was hard for her to say. She took a deep breath after.

“Do you want any more pillows or blankets?”

She was trying to change the subject. 

“I would, thank you, Buffy”

She still loves him, she most. What does she see he is a vampire, he is a part of the main group of beings who we are against. It really just doesn’t add up in my head

“Hey, I have some clothes for you to sleep in. They are upstairs in my room.”

I started to stand up but realized I would for sure fall again. It pains me to ask for help.

“Buffy could you help me up the stairs”

Buffy rushes over to my aid and puts her arm around my waist like last time and we walk towards her bedroom. With a few missteps, we make it to her bedroom. I am let go by Buffy onto the bed. 

“I am going to head out for a bit so you can get dressed, I will knock before I come back in”

“Buffy”

Buffy turns back before making it all the way to the dr.

“Yeah”

“Thank you”

Buffy shakes your head a bit, it is a sign of acknowledgment. I meant the thank you, even though I would rather be home alone with my thoughts to think over everything, it seems like she cares. I start to get dressed, first I lift my top over my head along with undoing my bra and I put on the shirt that buffy gave me. It was a baggy shirt the had some band name on it, it smells like her. Next to where the shirt was a pair of shorts. I put them on after taking off my own. I hear a knock on the door, that was quick.

“Come in!”

The doorknob started to turn and with that, it was pushed open, it wasn’t Buffy… it was Joyce.

“Oh Faith, what are you doing here. Did something happen to Buffy?”

“No, Buffy is okay. She said she was getting pillows and blankets for me. I got into a bad fight.”

Buffy came to the door where Joyce was with a pile of pillow and blankets. Buffy was making up her bed as she was explaining the situation to Joyce.

“Mom, I am sorry I didn’t tell you. Faith is really not feeling well. She needs to be here for a few days.” 

Joyce was still standing at the threshold of the door and she oddly didn’t seem mad.

“It is okay deer.” She turns to me “Faith, you here welcomed here whenever you need a place to fall back on.”

I shake my head as a response. They both are just so nice and giving. I almost can’t wrap my head around it. Joyce leaves and that just leaves me and Buffy alone. Buffy was still setting up the bed and was really focused on it. She finally got done.

“Ol, I am going to bed I am beat. Goodnight Faith.”

Buffy begins to walk towards the door. Where is she going all that time alone and now that I ready not to be she leaves.

“Buffy, where are you going”

I sit up a bit but enough not to hurt myself. Buffy looks back fully, her eyebrows move up in confession.

“I am going to go downstairs on the couch, you are getting bed because you are not feeling well”

She turns back at the door but stops before touching the doorknob. She speaks without facing me

“Did you want me to stay”

An eerie silence consumes the room. 

“Stay”


	2. Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faith has a mental dilemma while trying to figure out what is going on in Buffy's head and what their relationship is.

“Stay”

My head nods up to see if she will. Buffy retracts her hand from the doorknob and turns around to me. She walks over to the bed that she just made up and sits next to me.

“Faith, are you okay?

I look down and up at myself

“Well I can’t get up without help, so not really”

“No, I mean mentally. I understand what it is like being a slayer and can take a toll on you. How are you holding up”

“Oh, well no one really has ever asked me that. I um… I-”

I don't even know what my mental state is

“It is really none of anyone’s business”

Buffy put her head down and gets up off of the bed

“I am going to the bathroom to take my make-up off, do you want me to bring you a wet towel for yours?”

“Yeah, that would be great”

She left. No one ever asked that question to me,  _ are you okay?  _ I never even ask that question to myself.  _ Should I be?  _ My mental state definitely could use some help, I am the slayer though it should be a little rough. I am basically destined to die young, like the slayers before me. There is one thing that the other slayer doesn’t have in common with me, I have Buffy… another slayer that I can relate to. I am not alone like my predecessors, is that for better or worse? Buffy returns to her room with a wet towel, I put out my hand for her to put it in. She gives me a cold cloth and I start to rub it on my face roughly. Buffy laughs a bit, before taking the cloth from my head and gently cleaning my make-up from my face.

“You are supposed to gently wash your face, the way you were doing it could surely damage your skin.”

She finishes washing off my skin and places the towel down on the nightstand. She places her hand on my cheek causing me to make eye connect with Buffy.

“All of your bruises from earlier are gone, it must be working”

Her hand was still on my cheek with her thumb circling my chin. My hand goes up to place mine on hers but her hand is removed before I could. Her hand falls back on her leg quickly, like she just realized she did something that she wasn’t supposed to do. 

“You should get some sleep”

Buffy gets up from the edge of the bed next to me and goes to  _ her  _ side of the bed. She folds into her blankets.

“Goodnight Faith”

She puts her hand on the pillow facing away from me.

“Night B.”

Buffy raises his hand to the light switch and pushes it down. The lights go out.

I closed my eyes as soon as the light off, it only took a few minutes for me to go to sleep. I was woken up, and I turn my head to the clock which read 4:24 am. I throw my hand to the other side of the bed and feel nothing but the soft cloth of Buffy’s bed. I start to stand up out of bed when I lock my legs… I don’t fall. It really was working. I start to walk toward the door, walking is still a little difficult but at least I can do it without help. I open the door and silently yell.

“Buffy… Buffy where are you?”

I start down the stairs very slowly making sure not to fall. I take myself off of the last step and walk towards the living room first I peek my head into the room which is empty. I start to make my way toward the kitchen through the dining room. The kitchen was not empty, Buffy was there standing at the kitchen sink with a stake next to the sink and a cup of hot coffee in her hand. She was staring into the sink in silence. I approach her even closer and she doesn’t hear me still. I bring my hand up and tap my index finger onto her shoulder. 

¨Buffy?¨

Buffy grabs her stake and turns around toward me all in one motion. She sees me and lowers her weapon and her tension loosens up. I start to feel my legs giving out again and I fall to the ground but this time Buffy seems to be at a delay and doesn´t catch me. My back hit the cold and hard ground. Buffy goes to my aid after a second on the kitchen floor, She pulls me up and takes me to the dining room, and sits me down. 

¨Faith, why are you up? You need to be resting.”

¨Well I woke up and you were not there so I went to see if you were okay¨

I place my elbow on the arm of the chair so my head can rest on my hand. 

¨Well you could have hurt yourself, I mean you did but you could have fallen down the stairs.¨

¨What are you even doing up it is nearly 4:30 in the morning.¨

“I was just doing a watch”

“Of what? You are in your house where no vampire can enter”

“I know, it’s just right now there are two of us. Two slayers, I mean. I...we can’t afford to lose you.”

“Yeah that would be a real letdown”

I smile before I realize that the mood became serious. Buffy is sitting in the chair that is facing mine. Buffy let her head down, she looked upset. I placed my hand which was holding up my head on Buffy’s knee. 

“I will be fine B.”

She looks mortified. She gets up from the chair making my hand return to my chair.

“Do you want any coffee or are you going back up to bed”

“I take myself back up” 

Buffy returns to her spot above the sink with her stake next to her. Making my way upstairs with a difficulty than last time but I made it. I crash back into bed but this time I didn’t go right to bed… my thoughts were attacking.  _ What just happened?  _ If I wasn’t confessed yet I definitely am now. I still have not made up my mind about if it is a good thing that there are two slayers. Yeah, it is double the power but there weren’t supposed to be two at a time. Slayers are made to work alone, maybe I should just run away. I would make it out there and Buffy would make it, maybe we should split, cover more ground, kill more vampires. I feel like this weird outlier in Buffy’s life, she was the perfect friends and the perfect home, and I am just here I don’t have a home and no friends, I have Buffy but are we actually friends or just a co-worker.  _ Where would I go if I ran away?  _ That’s the thing I have nowhere to go, I have no one to go to. Who even am I outside of Sunnydale if my only true purpose is to slay vampires and I don’t even have that job fully.  _ Who am I?  _ I am a vampire slayer.  _ No.  _ I am a daughter.  _ No.  _ I have a home.  _ No.  _ I have a friend.  _ I don know. Do I?  _ I don’t know if Willow or any of the  _ “Scooby Gang”  _ would say they were my friend.  _ Maybe Buffy.  _ I have no idea, she seems pretty focused on keeping me safe but is it because I am a slayer or I am her friend?  _ I don’t know.  _

I get up out of Buffy’s bed and make my way over to the bathroom. I close the door behind me and look into my reflection.  _ Who am I, who is this person I am looking at, does this person even exist?  _ I turn the knob of the sink and splash water on my face, and look back up at the mirror.  _ She is still there, this person who is… me? It is so frustrating.  _ I raise my hand to the reflection of this person and hit it. The mirror is broken, the reflection is broken. My hand is bleeding. I see myself in one of the broken mirror pieces which landed on the sink.  _ She is still there.  _ I feel a singular tear float down my cheek right before I hear the door cast open. 

“What the hell happened, did a demon attack yo-”

I can feel her judging me as she glares at my bloody hand and my barely teary eyes. She runs out of the room and returns with the cloth she used to wipe off my make-up earlier. She takes my hand and wraps it in the piece of cloth. Why is she helping me, I not her friend, she just is doing this because I am a slayer, I am her backup. I reject my hand from hers and take the towel in the process. 

“I can do it my self” 

Buffy looks conflicted. 

“Ok, Faith what happened”

She looks around the room before looking back at me. She sees the one tear still rolling down my cheek and brings up her hand to wipe it off my face. I make further eye connect with her. I push her gently away from me.

“What the hell, I can help my self.”

Her mood changes from confessed to angry.

“Fine, just tell me what happened”

“It was nothing I just thought I saw a spider on the mirror so I tried to kill it. My slayer strength seems to be getting better.”

Buffy goes back to confessed

“So you tried to punch a spider, yeah ok.”

“I am going back to bed”

I start to stumble away, my strength still isn’t fully back. Buffy follows behind me when I get back into her room she shuts the door behind her. I bring myself back onto the bed and Buffy lays next to me. She turns away from me and I tilt my head toward the back of her neck and quickly turn back when my thoughts start back up again.  _ I am insane, ought I?  _

“Faith?”

Buffy’s voice was much softer than usual. 

“What?”

“I don’t want you to hurt yourself”

_ What?  _ My body shifts a bit toward her while I sit up from her bed

“What do you mean by that”

Buffy sits up also and faces me.

“It was obvious that you were not “killing a spider”

“It was a big spider”

My hand that was resting on the sink sheet felt the warm touch of Buffy’s hand when she put hers on top of mine. 

“I saw you crying and I know you won’t crying because you hurt your hand.”

For a second I am remembering the attraction that I have towards Buffy and my face starts to freeze up leaving me with no words. I slowly take my hand away from under hers. 

“I just don’t want you to get hurt”

“Don’t count on it B.” 

With a final glance, Buffy turns back away from me. I lay back down on the freshly washed pillowcase. If Buffy really cares for me for reasons not involving me being a slayer, then why. I am reckless and I am not a person people care for. I make decisions at the moment they don’t work out for me or the people close to me long term. It just doesn’t click. I pass out on that last thought still running circles around my head. 

I wake up in the still warmth of the blanket, I sit up and feel the pain in my hand I almost forgot what had happened earlier this morning. It is now 12:56 pm, Buffy is not here so she must be at school it’s Friday. I bring myself to get out of bed without falling back down. Buffy left some clothes out for me on the night table. 

In the shower I felt the water run down my body, rinsing it off. It was washing off everything that happened yesterday… it is a nice feeling. Of course, nothing is actually being washed away, my memories are still there, the broken mirror is still there taunting me from the other side of the shower curtain. The cuts on my hand are still there and my feelings for Buffy are still there. They will not go away, and not even a shower will make them go away. I get out of the shower and take my towel from the hook on the door and wrap it around my body. I can feel myself getting stronger, it feels like it did when I first was called. The strength entering my body and never leaving, it is truly amazing. The thing about me getting a common cold before I am 100% again has to be false, maybe not for other people but for me I never get sick. I put my head on the arm of the sofa after getting dressed. It is now 2:04, Buffy should be home soon. Time passes for about an hour, I have been watching tv to try not to think, not think about my hand, not the mirror, not my actions, not Buffy. It was all difficult, I could still feel the stinging pain in my hand and I was in Buffy’s home with all of her family photos, everywhere I looked it was her. I started to think again, but I have to maybe if I do it now I won’t have to later. Right before my thoughts started to run wild I see the door push open, it is Buffy. Buffy walks in and puts her bag down on the floor and sits on the couch next to me. She looks frustrated and is just waiting for me to ask her what happen.

“When did you get up?”

Buffy turns to me her head is still on the back of the sofa.

“Three hours ago”

“Oh you slept in I wish I could have done that”

“What happened, you look angry” 

Buffy looks at me, she has been waiting to rant 

“So you know how WIllow is dating oz and Xander is dating Cordelia”

Oh no high school drama, I should have known. I am not against it because it is fun to hear about it when you are not in it, but still, it is always just frustrating to hear about people making bad choices.

“Yeah, I am aware”

“So, apparently Willow and Xander have been cheating on their partners with each other. So last night they were making out because they thought Spike was gonna kill them and Cordy and Oz went to rescue them and caught them.”

“Oh my god, I wouldn’t have pegged Willow as the cheating type” 

“Yeah and she didn’t even tell me”

There is a pause in between the statements Buffy is making. 

“So there is more after Cordy caught Xander and Willow she ran off but the floor broke beneath her and she fell on a pole.”

“Is she okay?”

“Well the pole went right through her stomach, she is recovering at the hospital.”

“Whoa, that is… intense”

Buffy just looked exhausted. I can imagine why high school drama is mind-meltingly stupid. 

“Did you go to visit her yet?” 

“No, I sent her flowers though. I don’t think she wants to see anyone associated with Xander or Willow and she just survived a sharp object going through her body so I am going to respect her wishes.”

“Yeah that is probably for the best”

A few minutes pass and Buffy is upstairs getting a shower and I was left alone on the sofa. If I were to go back to my place now I would lose my mind. It is just too quiet there, the tv barely works, and when it those it only plays old timely movies. There is always something going on outside, people fighting usually. Is here even really better than there, I mean it is comfier but Buffy is here. I don’t know if I can stay here anymore with Buffy, I feel like I am just going to spit out something that she doesn’t want to hear. I am feeling better though so that is a plus maybe I will even be able to go to the bronze tonight. I jump a bit at the little knock on the door that broke the silence of my thoughts. I spring up to open the door. That was better than when I usually get up. I open the door and see Willow. She looks really shocked to see me, I know she doesn’t really like me that much so it is not really a surprise. 

“Oh, Faith. Uh is Buffy here”

She peeks around the house from the outside before I move out of the way for her to come in.

“Yeah, she is in the shower”

“Ok”

She sits down on the couch very awkwardly. She must hate the idea of having to be forced to talk to me. I sit down on the sofa in the living room.

“I heard what happened with that demon, Giles told me”

“Yeah that sucked”

“Yeah”

Another long moment of very awkward silence takes on the room. Buffy comes down just in time.  _ Thank god. _

“Hey Will, I didn’t know you were coming over”

“Yeah I was just upset about”

She looks over to me before resuming her sentence

“That thing”

Buffy walks to the kitchen and comes out with some pieces of chocolate

“That is understandable”

Buffy comes over and sits next to me on the sofa and hands me a piece of chocolate. I turn my head a bit and softly smile. While I put out my hand to receive the cady my cut-up hand is observed by my Willow.

“Is that from the fight”

Willow asks while pointing out my hand.

“Yeah it is from the fight”

Buffy cuts in before I can. 

“Oh whoa that demon really was bad”

“Yeah it was”

I few minutes passed, we were watching tv. I am still on the sofa with Buffy and Willow is sitting on the couch. Since then Buffy has placed her hand on my upper leg a couple of times after reacting to what was on the tv, each time she took away her hand, each time Willow looked over and looked confessed, and each time I felt a little bit of a crush getting bigger. It was a silent interaction between everyone in the room. Buffy had stopped doing it after a little bit maybe because she realized what she was doing, she switched to just glancing over to me every few minutes. At one point on the tv show we were watching (which I failed to recognize the name of) had a jumpscare, Buffy’s first reaction was to touch me to calm herself down after the jumpscare but before she could she stopped herself. She looked embarrassed while Willow was analyzing Buffy like I was. Was she just as confessed as I was by Buffy’s movements? I looked over to Willow and we made eye contact, it was brief but it seemed like we both agreeing with each other that we were confessed. Maybe she was confessed for a different reason I was but it was agreed upon. Buffy slide away from me, almost on top of me from the other side of the sofa. Willow got up and started upstairs. 

“I am going to the bathroom”

Buffy shook her head in understanding. I looked over to Buffy for a second, the show was still playing so I didn’t bother interpreting her from the focus she had on the show. Why should I even bother talking to her she will just give me a bullshit answer. It felt like the space between us grew the longer we were silent. Even if I did say anything what would I say,  _ “Hey, why do you keep on touching me?”  _ No, I couldn’t. Maybe that didn’t even mean anything and I am just building up in my head, is that what  _ friends  _ do?  _ Maybe.  _ But even if friend do that they don’t build up tension, I mean I could feel the tension just building up between us. When I say tension I can feel that Buffy feels it too. That is the only thing that I know about what is going on in her head. I feel her look over at me from the other side of the couch, I look over at her but I just miss eye contact because she looks back at the tv before I could. I look back too, I hear her take a big breath before Willow comes back down the steps.

“What happened to the mirror”

“We are getting a new one in tomorrow”

“Oh ok”

Willow starts to grab her stuff, I think she is officially done with the awkwardness.

“I am going to get out of her, I have some homework to catch up on”

I look up at her,  _ homework? _

“Its Friday”

“Yeah I have a lot to do, bye guys”

“Bye Wil”

“Buffy gets up and makes sure Willow gets up to make sure she gets to the street okay. After she closes the door she walks upstairs almost running. I have no idea what is happening. Before think I get a stake out of my coat pocket and put it on before walking out of the house. I need to kill something. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay, I had to do some catching out with my work. Hope you enjoyed this chapter the next one will hopefully be out next week :)  
> \- Buffy_Cow (aka steph)


	3. Alleyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy and Faith have an interaction in an alleyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii I hope you enjoy this chapter. Very sorry for the late update I am been flooded with school work. I am planning on putting out the next chapter sometime this week. - Steph

I arrived at an empty alleyway pretty quickly. I do not know why but there is an overpopulation of alleyways in Sunnydale. The alleyway was not empty for long, I saw three vampires walking towards me from different directions. Each of them was growling at me, they had dark clothes as well. I could feel the one behind me inching closer while the other ones were still in their place waiting for their friend to grab me from behind. The demon that was on the other side of me put their arm around my stomach. They thought that they had me but I threw them above my head causing them to land on the ground in front of me. The other vamps started towards me, the first one to arrive threw a punch at my head. I ducked out of the punches way and grabbed the vampire’s arm and threw him at the other demon running at me. The vampire that was recently behind me got up and dashed to me attempting to grab me, I pulled out my stake and poked it on the chest, he went to dust. The vampire that fell over as a result of getting his other friend thrown at him jumped up and went straight to my neck, the stake was still in my hand so I pushed him off of me before stabbing him with the stake. The remaining vampire was regaining his strength and started to walk towards me to his death sentence. I attacked him before he could attack me. I started to punch him in the face, after one punch I did it again, and again, and again, and over a dozen times. It should have gotten old after the second time but it wasn’t. I needed to kill him some time though, I couldn’t just beat him to death, I mean I probably could. I brought out my stake and raised it to his chest. With one poke he was gone. I felt a raindrop fall on my head almost right after the demon turned to dust. After one more raindrop fell, soon enough it became a downpour. I turned around to the other end of the alleyway so I could start heading to the Bronze. I saw someone standing in the dark. I couldn’t make it out until I stepped a bit closer. I started to make out the figure, it was Buffy. I took a step back to try to unsee her but their silhouette was still visible. I closed my eyes tightly and reopened them to make sure that they weren’t tricking me. She was stepping closer and closer. Before she knew it she was nearly five feet away from me, still far away from me. It was still pouring and our clothes were soaked. I couldn’t see her face but I could imagine her facial expressions, she had her mouth slightly open with her eye wider and her eyebrows up, so she was most likely angry, that is what I am imaging her to be right now. She stepped a bit closer and I could see her face, she didn’t look angry she looked disappointed and confused. I wouldn’t look at her in the eyes. I looked to the empty alley behind her. I could see her face but I made sure not to completely look at her. 

“Why are you like this?”

I rolled my eyes up a bit to attempt not to look at her.

“You are reckless Faith”

It was becoming difficult not to start looking at her.

“What do you think is going to happen to you, you are going to end up dead or worse”

I broke my gaze at the alley and made direct eye contact with the other slayer.

“What that is the suppose to mean, I was doing my job”

“You know exactly what I am saying, your ‘job’ is to kill them not to make them wish you would kill them.”

Buffy's voice cracked while talking, she was scared. I looked down at the floor breaking my connection with Buffy.

“Look at me in the eyes when I say this”

I brought up my head to look at her but before she could lecture me I made sure I said something

“What are you going to tell me, Buffy? That I am reckless? That I am hurting myself? I know that B, I know what I am doing”

I stepped closer

“You know what Fa-”

I cut her off with more of my words.

“No. You know what B, let's talk about you. Let's talk about you are scared, you are just a scared little girl. You know what will happen right now if I touch you B?”

She flinches a little even at the thought of me touching her

“You would run away because you are scared B and I think we both know what you’re scared by”

“Just shut up”

I bit the inside of my mouth with my back teeth attempting to hold in whatever I was going to say next. I am furious.

“make me”

I saw Buffy dig her nails into her hand. I was still making intense eye contact with her, her eyes were moving slightly at my face. She took a step closer, she raised her hand to my face and made intense contact with my face. I saw the punch coming from a mile away but I did not stop it. My face was turned away from her as a result of the punch. I put my finger on my lip and felt a little bit of blood floating down my chin before I brought my face to hers. Before I could turn all the way towards her face Buffy grabbed my face and put her lips on mine kissing me. My face was not fully facing hers yet so she turned my head towards hers. She had one hand on my cheek and the other was hanging off of my shoulder. The kiss was built up of many tiny kisses over and over again. I was not fully enhanced in the kiss yet because of how much it caught me by surprise. I started to be involved in the kiss, I started to actually notice that I was kissing her and I think that was the same for Buffy. She broke the kiss, even though she was still in the same position our lips stopped touching. When I opened my eyes I saw Buffy still there with her eyes closed. As soon as she opened her eyes she seemed to immediately regret what she has done. Buffy slowly backed away with her hand slightly covering her month. I stood there still as she backed away further before she started running out of the alleyway until her silhouette was no longer visible. I stood there in silence for a few minutes not knowing what to do next. I called her name but she did not come back. 

********

“Buffy”

My name was being yelled on the other side of the alleyway but I didn’t turn around. My running turned into walking as I approached the main street. I caught my breath before making my way back to my house. Thoughts crossed my mind while walking, like why. It was embarrassing, I punched Faith and then kissed her. It happened and there was nothing that I could do about it, I couldn’t make it go away, I couldn’t make her go away. Maybe talking to myself about this is the best idea but it is probably not the safest idea. I walk into my house surprised to see Willow on the sofa watching tv. Her head turns to me as soon as I slam the door shut. 

“Hey, Buff”

I wipe my face to hope to remove the white marks of tears.

“Hey, what’s up?”

She sees my failed attempt to whip the stains of tears from my face and looks like she makes some type of mental note on it. 

“You said you were up for studying tonight”

“Oh yeah I did, do you have the book”

I sit down next to her on the opposite side of the sofa

She pulls a few heavy textbooks out of her bag for some sort of proof that she is reliable 

“Yup, all the books in the world. So how was slaying with Faith? Is she feeling better?”

My eyes widen and I sit up in response to hearing her name. I looked up at her directly waited for her to say she knows but she just looks confused.

“Uh yeah, we were slaying, and she is doing better.”

She pulls more books out of her bag and places them on the coffee table.

“That’s good, where is she I thought she was staying with you for a little bit”

“I think she is going back to the motel.”

“Oh, okay well Ms. Simmons said we have to read chapters 57-89 so we should split it up into…”

My head was in another place, certainly not where Willow’s head was. Her voice was in the background of my thoughts, she was going on about how we should study for our history class. Instead, I was retracting my actions a few minutes ago with Faith. I know what happened, I kissed her but it was still all confessing non the less. I noticed that my clothes were still soaked because of the rain outside. Looking down at my wet jeans reminded me of what I just did. 

“Buffy”

Willow called my name from her sitting position in front of me. 

“Yeah”

“Are you okay, you seem a little out of it. Did Faith accidentally hit you on the head or something?”

Willow smiled indicating that she was joking. __

_ Why those Faith’s name keeps on popping up in confession. Is it me? Was her name always there and I am just noticing it? _

“I don’t really want to talk about her”

_ Why would I say that? Why couldn’t I just laugh to go along with the joke that was at almost hilariously horrible timing? _

“Who Fath?”

I almost screamed at the mention of her name. I came home to get away from her

“Yes her.”

I stated in an annoyed voice.

“Ok, well sorry. Did something happen?”

I rolled my eyes back a little. I love Willow but this is not a good time to ask me unspeakable questions.

“Buff you can tell me if she did something, you know I am not really the biggest fan of Faith”

I stood up at the mention of  _ her  _ name.

“God, can you just stop saying her name”

I almost yelled, but the comment came out as more of an angry suggestion. Willow stood up to face me and started to pack her things back into her bag. 

“I am going to head out”

Willow started at the door before I realize that I made a mistake. How could I act like this, Willow just got over a break-up and I just yelled at her.

“Wait, Will”

She turned around before reaching for the door handle.

“Listen, I have no idea what happened but, it is obvious that you need to think it over yourself. I’ll see you in class on Monday.”

After saying her final statement she left. I sat on the sofa and put my face into my hands before letting my head go to my head while pushing the hair out of my face. I have only one final thought roaming around in my head.

_ What is my next move? _


	4. I didn't know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faith goes through the thoughts in her head and I a sight takes Faith by surprise.

Death seemed like a sensible road, not at the moment but someday. I wasn’t afraid of it and was something that was going to happen someday, to me and everybody. Some people say that they aren’t afraid of death but instead say that they not afraid to live, maybe it is just because they think death is too much of a negative word so they replace it with a more positive word, that is bullshit. They should say what they mean, they aren’t afraid of death. Maybe people don’t want to say it because it saying would back someone labels them as being capable of self-hatred, but everyone is.

I have been staying in the motel for the past week. The tv seemed like it was stuck on a loop between the same three movies. One was a western, and the other two were detective movies. Both of the detective movies followed the same plot, an old down on his luck detective with an unspoken but obvious drinking problem gets put on an almost impossible case. All three movies were in black and white and were about one hour and a few minutes long. I have been watching them for the whole week but seem to pick something new up about them every time I watch them.

Giles came to check on me at the beginning of the week, I faked sick and went away quickly probably of fear of catching my fake illness. He told me to come to the school when I was feeling better and asked if I could stay with Buffy because of my condition. As a response, I ran to the bathroom to throw up (not actually of course) when I came back from the bathroom he was gone.

I was ready to go back to my slayer duties, sitting in a bed all week and watching the same three movies was not as pleasing as it sounds. I needed to do something even if that meant having to face the incoming awkwardness of interacting with Buffy.

After moving myself out of bed and dressing I made it to school. It was Monday so Buffy and her friends had SAT prep, I would be the first one there. Not being a student at Sunnydale High it was surprisingly easy to get it the building. Everyone thought I was a student most of the time and I am just a lacker. When I open the double-sided doors to the library I am surprised to see Buffy facing the other side of the library. 

“Hey, B”

She turns over quickly and my heart races for a second before calming back down. 

“Hey, how are you feeling”

I was surprised by her greeting because I assumed she know I wasn’t actually sick and I was pretending for reasons only she and I know.

“Not too bad”

The feeling I got was not awkward at all but simply very tense. Before Buffy could get her next word out. Giles came chattering throw the doors of his office. Surprising both of us. He starts to go on about some demon while looking deeply into a book. He fails to notice that I was in the room until looking up at Buffy to figure out her response to the demon. Buffy hasn’t stopped looking at me even when Giles was going on about the evil. Giles noticed Buffy staring at me before looking at me to speak to me.

“Ah, Faith you’re back. Great, uh”

He starts to walk towards me with the book still nicely placed on his forearm. 

“This is the demon of-”

He talks of a demon that is supposed to be really powerful, whatever I can take it. At this point I wasn’t even paying attention to him, I was looking a Buffy from over his shoulder. Buffy starts to look down at the floor realizing the situation she was in.  
“Ah-ha!”

Giles loudly exclaims.

“I got it! If you translate the book back to-”

He continues to go on and on about the translation of the book and bla bla bla. All he really had to say was the power center of the demon was in its neck. Willow and Xander walked throw the doors causing Buffy to look up and over my shoulder at them.

“Hey guys”  
Buffy starts her friendly dialogue with Willow and Xander  
“Hey Buff”  
Xander looks over at me before sitting on top of the table and starting his statement again.  
“And Faith, good to see better”  
“Yup, it’s great”  
Everyone gets nervous after my response until Giles goes back to his gameplan. He goes on and on again about the unspeakable demon and everyone’s roles in the plan. This is the part where I should probably be paying attention but I wasn’t. My mind was off, it was like that moment before you go to sleep where all of the embarrassing things come rushing into your head in a rush, but I wasn’t going asleep. My head was filling with my past, my mom, Boston, my old school, how I acted, and what I didn’t know. I didn’t know my mom was a bad person, I didn’t know that I should have hated her, I didn’t know that dropping out was so easy when no one cared for you, and I didn’t know that the worse was only to come. I didn’t know that feelings like this would have an effect on me, not just the feeling of lust, but also not knowing where I was and who I was at this point. My only duty is to be the slayer, the one in every generation and so it goes on. But I wasn’t the one.  
“And Buffy and Faith will patrol tonight”  
Buffy’s name broke me free of my head. We will patrol? Together?   
“Together”  
I said it out loud quietly  
Buffy looked up at me along with everyone else, Buffy looked the most alarmed by my voice.  
“Yes together”  
Giles quickly spoke before things got too weird.   
Buffy looked up at me and I looked back.  
_  
_  
Patrolling was something that I never thought I wouldn’t enjoy but tonight I was not looking forward to it. I got a few stakes ready before heading out. Before turning into the alleyway I and Buffy agreed to meet in I heard little whimpers. I took out my stake before turning and seeing Buffy sitting on the ground with blood across her hands, next to her was a body of a man who had much more blood on his clothing than Buffy, and on the ground was a bloody stake. I connecting everything before coming to the realization. Buffy killed someone. Buffy starts to speak.   
“I didn’t know”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I am very sorry for not posting that often. I don't want to be an a-hole who only post once a month (oh wait that's me lol) But yeah I do hope that everybody enjoys thing chapter unfortunately this is a short chapter but it sets up a lot of things that I have planned later on in the story. I know that the spin on what happened in chapter three, is a bit unlike her charter but I promise I will make it work.  
> Thank you for reading!!  
> \- buffy_cow (aka Steph) :)


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